domenica 25 novembre 2007

Il Tamagotcha: De Chinesis in domo importantia

C'è un nuovo inquilino che bazzica a casa. E' Chris, il "Tamagotcha".
Ha sostituito Dominika, la giovane e viziata ragazza di Bratislava. She was a pain in the ass. Non puliva mai, lurida, caciarona, co ste chiappe sempre de fora, timida....timida? Co sta faccia da zoccola?! A bambolì, ma vattelappiander...! E così Dominika, slovacca da me soprannominata "SlowVacca", è stata però sufficientemente intelligente da capire, dopo solo 4 settimane di convivenza, che era ora di levare le tende, e tutto il circo. Per stazza e kitchezza, Moira Orfei in confronto è Gwyneth Paltrow.

Le e' subentrato l'angelo della China. Il vendicatore del pulito. Il principe del megabyte. Il signore della calma. Il soprammobile umano d'appartamento. Il risolutore. Nonché, il più grande mangiatore cinese di carbonara. Signori e Signore, il Tamagotcha! Comin'atcha!



In tre giorni questo caschetto liscio, con occhialetti e occhietti a mandorla si è fatto amare da tutti. C'è da dire che era più che facile essendo l'immediato successore di una scrofa. Sta di fatto che ha conquistato il nostro cuore svolgendo le seguenti prodigiose azioni, nell'ordine:

1) Ha messo la linea wireless a casa.
Erano mesi che ci struggevamo perché avevamo un solo filo da condividere e utilizzare a turno. Lui è arrivato e ha creato un sistema avanzatissimo di intelligenze artificiali che riflettono impulsi da un computer all'altro (non ci vuole una mazza a farlo, solo che nessuno sapeva il segreto. Lui sì, depositario di saggezza orientale).

2) Ha ripulito la stanza di Dominika da cima a fondo. Ora sembra la casa di Mago Merlino dopo che l'ha magicamente rimessa a posto per partire con Semola. Hoketi poketi hoketi huà, abbra cabbra dabbra dà, se ciascun si stringerà, il posto a tutto si troverà. Igitus igitus igitus phum, restringitorium.

3) Per farsi amare, si è offerto di pulire tutta casa e poi di fare il caffè collettivo. Bello cenerentolo del sisotto, che bello che sei. Ora pulisci anche qui, una spazzatina lì. Sembra un robottino da casa radiocomandato. Come 'Emilio', il robottino anni '80.

4) Ha trovato (e ucciso) la TARANTOLA.
Per tre lunghissimi giorni, e notti, siamo stati terrorizzatti dalla presenza di un ragno gigante, avvistato da Dominika, prima che se ne andasse, nella sua stanza. Ovviamente il ragnone peloso non poteva che giocare a carte, fumare sigarette e bere whisky in camera di una delle più abbordabili donne della terra. Penso che neanche una barriera corallina di preservativi basterebbe per proteggersi dall'ebola con lei. Fatto sta che sto ragno non si trovava. Chi dormiva con la luce accesa, chi si svegliava ogni tanto (il sottoscritto) per accertarsi che non stesse tra le coperte, chi (sempre il sottoscritto) guardava dietro il cesso temendo sorprese nel periodo di 'seduta'. Io i ragni li odio. Non ce la faccio.
Ma poi è arrivato lui, il mio salvatore. L'eroe venuto dalla lontana (oddio, da qua manco tanto) Asia per proteggermi. Dotato dell'arma più letale per il mio acerrimo nemico. L'aspirapolvere. L'ha trascianato su, per caso, poi ha aperto il cofanetto, e come una perla da un'ostrica è uscito fuori un cinghiale con otto zampe, quattro da una parte, quattro dall'altra. Tutto rannicchiato e pelosetto, credo che il corpo fosse grande quanto una prugna. Non sto scherzando. Completamente aperto, con le zampe a fare stretching suppongo fosse largo quanto un disco 45 giri. Aracnydance! Grazie Tamagotcha, comin'atcha.

5) Mi ha chiesto di fargli la CALBONALA.
Ero su internet ieri e ad un certo punto è arrivato lui che, timido timido e con voce robotica mi ha chiesto "Mi insegni quel piatto, mi sembla si faccia con gli spaghetti, in cui c'è bacon, uovo...", alla parola 'uovo' ero già ai fornelli pronunciando la parola magica: "Calbonala".
Come un grande chef con accanto l'apprendista, gli ho mostrato tutta la procedura, passo dopo passo, e ogni tanto gli facevo ripetere teoria e pratica. Abbiamo fatto una Calbonala plelibata. Non ho mai visto un umano mangiarla con tanto gusto e con tanta voracità. L'ha spazzolata. Il mio piccolo aiutante chinese di Babbo Natale che tutto allegro mangiava er piatto de li piatti. Un piacere vederlo. E' così carino e tenero, un piccolo e indifeso topino che si vuole rendere sempre utile. "Siii, squit squit, ti aiuto io! Rammendo io i tuoi abiti per il ballo, e faremo un bel vestito cenerella". Poi gli fai un po' di coccole e lui scodinzola grato. O baby, baby mio. E da oggi anche in edizione da viaggio. Lo pieghi, lo incarti, nella cartella, nell'astuccio, il piccolo Tamagotcha è sempre con te! Ti aiuta con i compiti, sbriga le faccende domestiche, e si pulisce da solo! Oh, Tamagotcha (comin'atcha!). Una proposta regalo...'Giochi Pleziosiiiiiiiiiii'.

Ora si sta mangiando un panino mentre scrive su internet codici binari alla matrix (lo sto spiando dal tavolo del salone). Secondo me è il classico topo da computer che, passando per innocuo, in realtà è uno dei massimi hacker terrestri.
L'altro giorno gli ho chiesto "Quanti anni hai?". E lui mi ha risposto in un modo che mi ha turbato: "Tra 20 e 22, quindi fattivamente 21." Ho subito cercato di coglierlo di spalle per vedere se avesse lo sportelletto dei comandi dietro la schiena, tipo Vicky. Ma niente. Allora ho pensato che potesse essere un giovane agente stagista (a 300 yen mensili di rimborso spese) della Yakuza, mandato a farsi le ossa (degli altri) all'estero. Ma neanche questa tesi mi convince. Resto in osservazione. E' un soggetto da tenere sott'occhio, a portata di aspirapolvere. E' ancora tutto da scoprire, ma non mi lamento, in fondo mica può essere sempre Dominika.

72 commenti:

alemarty79 ha detto...

Eh beh, non sono tutti uguali gli slovacchi nel mondo... Forse per questo che un paio di volte Lubo ha fatto finta di non essere slovacco e pertanto di non parlare la sua lingua madre quando ci è capitato di incontrare delle tizie slo-vacche che gli hanno domandato di dove fosse originario... Non avevo capito bene il motivo, ora lo so...

Da profonda, inguaribile aracnofobica, penso che sarei morta anche per un ragno di ben più modeste dimensioni. Mio padre dice che sono animaletti tanto inteligenti... ma che schifo, bleaw! Orrore...

Viva mago Merlino/A Beautiful Mind, anche in casa mia sarebbe una manna piovuta dal cielo... Non è che me lo presti?! Lo incarti, lo spedisci.... ;-)

Kiss

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

Ma certo! Via Postalmarket costa solo $8.99 più spese di spedizione (un boato da qui a lì). Ora l'ho rimesso in carica, sta riposando. Come dice nonno "un vero guerriero non dorme, riposa". Domani gli aspetta il terrazzo, deve essere lindo e pinto per la grande festa di Giovedì. Te lo mando non appena ha finito di ripulire after-party. :)

alemarty79 ha detto...

Affare fatto. Ricordati di aggiungere anche le istruzioni per l'uso

(ho già capito come alimentare la batteria - a "carbonala"- ma forse ci sono altre cose da sapere).

kissiso

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

Kissiso è una bella invenzione. L'apprezzo. Grazie... ;) Licambio.

Marta Rossi ha detto...

stai diventando il mio scrittore preferito. e il racconto der piatto de li piatti è meraviglioso...grazie (ho letto anche quella cosa che mi hai scritto via email. Quando ci rivediamo ti devo un abbraccio in più solo per quello!)

sveva ha detto...

bello de casa....quanto gli voglio bene al cinesino...
:-)

Bea ha detto...

Ma questo cinesino è tipo Ariel quello di Zelig? Gividì gividì...m'è svampato tutto...

francesca ha detto...

Pilisci ii signili...gividì!Ma che ne sai Siso di Zelig?!?Meglio...se salva solo la prima oretta di trasmissione con la parodia di Uomini e Donne(si ancora non l'hanno rimosso...però in fondo lo vediamo tutti!).Un bacione,tvtb Francy PS:saluta anke Calbonala!

francesca ha detto...

Siso...va bè però non è mica giusto...apprezzi Kissiso(fighissimo come fenomeno di crasi) ma non hai detto niente sul mio "IT'S SISO 0' CLOCK" a proposito del wind of change...t.b.w.a uguale!UN BACIONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE la tua dirimpettaia che racconta i cavoli tuoi a tutti e sono tutti strafelici for you!

PS:mamma ha apprezzato tanto la Piccola Parigi!

Sylvie Malaussène ha detto...

Siso, è giunta l'ora di testare nuovamente il Cinesiso!
La prova è...
...la PASTA ALLARDATA che tanto ci deliziò ai tempi dell'uni...
...se resiste pure a quella, per venderlo fai un'asta su EBay!
Te abbraccio assaje!

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

"It's Siso o'clock" e' spettacoare Fra. Certo che mi e' piaciuto... :)
Brava, fai bene a raccontare i cavoli miei, sono contento che siete contenti. E poi la "Petit Paris" e' la verita'! Nonno aveva ragione (e' stato lui a chiamare Perty cosi'...). Un bacione a te , Fiore&Costantin e tutto il dirimmpettato. :) t.b.w.a anche io, tanto.

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

Silvie', la Pasta Allardata gliela faccio solo se se la merita. C'e' da pulire giardino, soffitta, bagni e terrazzo. Dopo, forse, gli cucino la ricetta. Non la faccio a buffo l'allardata, e' il mio cavallo di battaglia. Tu pulisci, io cucino. E' una "RICETTA SU RICATTO". Mmh, potrebbe essere il nome di un programma TV! Mica male. :)

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

E' periodo di Compleanni questo!

Per oggi, Auguri downunder a mio cuginone Federico e a Dadi.

Bella pe' voi!

Ciao ;)
Sisotto

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siso, sisottino mio, dato che il tuo blog ha una readership maggiore del Financial Times, di Guardian e del Daily Telegraph (potremmo provare a verificare con google analytics, ma mi pare superfluo!) penso non ci sia metodo piu' efficace to advertise one of our doubleroom in Angel flat, here in London che sta diventando.... available! Pertanto, se c'e' qualcuno che volesse provare l'ebbrezza di un inverno londinese alla "love actually", nonche' convivere con tre deliziose fanciulle (una italiana, una spagnola e una francese) si faccia avanti!

Dall'offerta e' escluso il tamagotcha. Per lui e' gia' pronto lo sgabuzzino e, solo se se lo meritera', dopo aver adeguatamente risistemato l'area circostante, verra' di diritto promosso ad uno dei due divani in salotto
:-))))
(Noooo, povero adorabile Tamy, per lui c'e' sempre posto!)

Bye!!

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

Il tamagotcha ora sta stirando. Ma ha detto che gli piacerebbe venire a casa vostra anche per fare solo da scendiletto. Secondo me all'idea di stare con tre ragazze, il suo microchepp gli ha fatto alzare l'antennina.

Quanto alla room available, a regà dateve na mossa! You can't miss that chance mate! Unfortunately I'm still here... ;)

Emanuele ha detto...

Vengo io a londra... quando si libera la stanza???

alemarty79 ha detto...

Evvai!
La stanza si libera il 15 dicembre... per poi venire rioccupata dalla medesima a fine gennaio perche' Tash torna a casa (in Australia, a Sydney, guarda caso!) per le vacanze di natale, poi rientra a Londra...
Allora, vieni davvero?? :-))

Bye!

L'AustraloSisotto ha detto...

A manu, vacce tutto Gennaio a Londra. Fossi in te non perderei l'occasione, ma non parlo solo della stanza, parlo proprio di occasione per stare un po' in quella citta'. Non lo sai mai che porte si possono aprire. Anzi, li' non parliamo piu' di porte, ma di "doors", che e' diverso. Vai...e fai. :)

Emanuele ha detto...

Ci sto pensando... se riesco a rimediare un pò di soldi per il volo e il soggiorno... vengo... entro quanto devo dirtelo?

alemarty79 ha detto...

...ambiremmo a trovare il baldo giovane entro la settimana... Se sei davvero interessato lo dico a Laura (la mia inquilina spagnola), sta tenendo lei le fila del discorso...(Benedetta ragazza). Ci sono pero' novita', nel senso che ho comunicato giusto ieri che me ne vado a febbraio, per cui mi sa che ora cercano qualcuno che resti stabilmente (il che vuol dire soggiornare in Tash's room until the end of january just to switch to mine afterwards)...
Certo e' che sarebbe una figata se venissi a Londra e Siso ha ragione, stanza a parte e' un'esperienza da fare...
ti lascio la mia mail cosi' se ti va possiamo comunicare un po' piu' dettagliatamente senza intasare il blog di siso :-)))

alessiafaltoni@libero.it

Ciao Manu, a presto!

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